I recently moved into a charming house in the suburbs. This isn’t that interesting. What is interesting is I have a BITCHING gameroom. It’s guy heaven complete with a full bar, pool table, dart board, video games and an endless loop of Frank Sinatra albums playing on an old record player. I’ve been trying to write about the GAMEROOM and do it justice here on SoC and have failed miserably each time. Luckily my good friend Skot at Izzlepfaff.com is one of the funniest writers I know and did a GLORIOUS write-up at his site:

http://www.izzlepfaff.com/blog/archives/2006/10/sunday_sunday_sunday.php#005271 

Shame on you Shawn Merrimen, and double shame on you Kenny Rogers.

Actually, the only way I’ll really care about this is if San Diego has to retroactively forfeit their victory over the Steelers, which won’t happen, so meh. And try as I might to get engrossed by the World Series, I’d still rather be watching House. All in all, the Merrimen story ranks a scant 2 on the ol’ Scandal-O-Meter®*, while Kenny’s PineTarGate pulls a four.

* The Scandal-O-Meter® is a statistically significant standard introduced to the mainstream media in 2001 to rate scandals quantitatively. It uses math, so you wouldn’t understand it, but trust us, it’s all kinds of scientific. It goes from one to Felicity Huffman, with one being the most minor scandal imaginable and Felicity Huffman being the biggest.

Mentioning it just to mention it. 

I.

Don’t.

Care.

Welcome back to Cooking On Sports On Computer. Today, we’ll be making a Lame Ass Space Publicity Stunt.

Lame Ass Space Publicity Stunt
Ingredients:
• 1 Cosmonaut
• 1 Driver
• 1 Golf Ball
• 5 Billion Viewers
• 1 expansive Vaccuum
• <.00001g Gravity

Directions
Combine vaccuum with microgravity, and place Cosmonaut in center. Give Cosmonaut driver and golf ball, then politely ask the 5 Billion viewers not to watch. Have Cosmonaut hit golf ball with driver while 5 Billion viewers tune into Elimidate. Driven golf ball should re-enter Earth’s atmosphere in three days, by which time the forty or so viewers who didn’t pay attention when you told them not to watch should have forgotten about it, and began watching the new season of Grey’s Anatomy.

Options
You have the option of not wasting a scientist’s incredibly expensive time aboard the International Space Station, and have him do some science instead of being an ingredient in your Lame Ass Space Publicity Stunt, but value of said science should be weighed against value of Lame Ass Publicity Stunt, in which case, science always loses.

Serves: 40 people

You can tell it is August in Seattle because the sports scene sucks. As the mariners imploded a little later than everyone expected this year we still have two more weeks of hoping Hasselbeck and Alexander don’t get injured before the regular season starts. Oh and then there is that whole Sonics getting sold thing…whatever.  But we must not forget Seattle’s other professional sports team: “The Storm.”  The old joke of course is: “Would you rather find $5 on the ground or have your city win a WNBA championship?” Well I decided screw that! With nothing else happening locally to satisfy my sports needs I would not only watch every Storm game of the post-season but keep a running diary as well. 

• 8/18/06 - 11:12pm: “Shit…I forgot to watch tonight’s game. Hey we won!” 
• 8/20/06 - 2:00pm: “All right! STORM! Whoo!” 
• 8/20/06 – 2:04pm: “Jesus Christ what else is on? OHHHHH the 2006 Sugar Sculpture Daredevil Challenge on Food Network! The theme is ‘Tall Tales’ that should be interesting!”
• 8/20/06 – 2:30pm: “Better check back on the game. Awesome we are winning!”
• 8/20/06 – 2:31pm: “Flavor of Love 2! Some girl shit on the rug…don’t see that in the WNBA!”
• 8/20/06 – 4pmish: “Annnnnd we are losing. Lauren Jackson is kind of hot…right? Maybe?”
• 8/22/06 – 11pm: “Oh fuck…forgot about game 3. Well there was that.”
• 8/24/06 – 1144am: “FIVE DOLLARS!” 

Last night’s episode of Hogan Knows Best 2 (the Hulk Hogan version of The Osbournes) had Ms. Hulkster adopting a baby chimpanzee, and the Family Hogan stuck making a tough choice.

For posterity, The Five Stages Of Television Show Grief are:

• Clip Show
• Pregnancy/Murder/Wedding
• Morgan Fairchild Guest Spot
• Addition of Monkey To Cast
• Acceptance

Fare thee well, Hulk Hogan Reality Show. I’ve never really watched you, but I’ll miss you all the same.