From most me wanty to least me wanty:

1. Seattle
2. Detroit
3. Kansas City
4. Milwaukee
5. Chicago Cubs
6. Cincinnati (Griffey nostalgia)
7. (Tie) Toronto, Baltimore, Tampa Bay, Minnesota, Cleveland, Texas, LA Angels, NY Mets, Philadelphia, Florida, Atlanta, Washington, St. Louis, Houston, LA Dodgers, San Diego, Arizona, Colorado

25.Boston
26.Chicago White Sox
27.Pittsburgh (Fuck Pittsburgh…and yes this has everything to do with the Super Bowl.)
28.San Francisco
29.New York Yankees
30.Oakland (I just hate them…)
 

3!! THREE!!! Three.  Three strikes, you’re out. Three outs, inning’s over. Three gams lost to Seattle. Three. Babe Ruth’s number. Three. Three (3!!!!) starters in the line-up today for the third (3!!!) and final game in this god awful series against the red hot Oakland A’s. Three. OK well you include Curt Schilling in there and you have four (4!!) I suppose but he’s not HITTING! SO THREE! BUT Schilling DID record his 3,000 (THREE!! THOUSANDTH!!!) strikeout. So…you know…there’s something positive…? But three (3!!!) starting players on the field to back him up. ONLY ONE (1!!!!!!!) of which was playing the correct position!! Three. It’s not a word anymore. It’s merely a sad, sad number. 3. If the tables were turned on the Yankees, I would be overjoyed. Though I’m not sure the Yanks have played with only three (3!!!) starters in recent history, I’m sure they still think they are a better team. So cheer on New Yorkers. And hope that we aren’t 9 strong when we face you again in a couple of weeks. Cause then you may just have a harder time sweeping us. Oakland had no trouble getting by our 3. 3. 3 more games lost on the road to Worstseasoneverville. 3.

Every year I cycle through some categories and contests, just to liven up baseball, which I hate.*  Some of my favorite categories and contests are things like “Scrub of the Year,” in which I rate the best non-prospect bit player on the Yankees.  Also there’s “Name Every General Manager In Baseball.”  That one’s tough, though The 2006 Wayne Krivsky Inexplicable Blowjob Festival has helped me with my major hole there.

Then there’s “Most Boring Team In Baseball.”  This is a little mis-leading and tough to categorize, so let me give some pointers on how to select the Most Boring Team:

1)  The team cannot be good.

2)  The team cannot be overly bad.  Sorry, Royals.  It’s interesting how terrible you are, and even more interesting when you do well despite that. 

3)  They are neither disappointing nor surprising.  They are exactly as 76 win as you expected them to be.

4)  The team cannot have many exciting players.  Preferably none.  Preferably, if you went to a game and looked down the roster at whom you would most want to see a dinger from, or strike out the side, you can’t quite do it.

5)  You almost forget about the team.  “Oh, we’re playing them?  Oh.”

My first Most Boring Team, circa 1994 was the Detroit Tigers.  Then 1996 happened and they became laughing-stock bad, to the point where even when they were just mediocre, you still thought they sucked.  Which they did, but history told you they SUCKED, in a way where it was fun to watch them suck.

Then for a long time it was the Milwaukee Brewers.  Basically until last year.  Go ahead and name the best players in the National League history of the Milwaukee Brewers.  I’m sure you can do it.  But do you want to?

Now?  Who is the most boring team now?  The Rockies?  They’ve solved the thin air problem and now are just mediocre.  They’re up there.  The Nationals?  They’re two years old…they’re still novel.  The Blue Jays?  Dude, they’re FIGHTING each other.  That’s awesome.

No, I’m gonna go with the Seattle Mariners.  Do I want to watch Richie Sexson hit dingers?  No.  Not ever.  Do I want to see their parade of non-descript righties like Gil Meche and Joel Piniero and Joel Meche and Soriano Putz?  Nope.  And Mike Hargrove is their manager.  That is the last five nails in the coffin right there.

So sorry Dusty and Cory, but the Seattle Mariners are the Most Boring Team 2006.  But hey.  Thanks for sweeping those Red Sox!

*I love baseball.

The bleeding cannot be stopped! Literally!! Terry Francona’s mouth was a visual metaphor for the Red Sox’s current slide in this once glorious, now fatally wounded season. It won’t stop bleeding! “I think I took too many blood thinners,” Tito said, to what I can only assume was an agape press core.  That’s an interesting excuse but blood thinners do not cause the life juice to permeat skin. There has to be a wound. A hole. Could it be from biting one’s tongue too many times? Possibly. Although whether that self-mutilation is for keeping him from saying something nasty or pure unadulterated frustration, only Tito knows. His team has been cut deep. And the crimson liquid is spilling forth. A band-aid or 5 (Lopez, Hinske, C. Pena, Pedroia, Gabbard) doesn’t seem to work. Pinching the artery (throwing in Manny from time to time) isn’t doing the trick. And it’s starting to smell. Is that gangrene? I hope to God it’s not! And so does Tito! He’d be the first to be lopped off and tossed in a haz mat bag. What they need is a good surgeon. Someone to come in, stop the bleeding, sew up the hole and sign the perscription for pain killers. A glorious surgeon named Mantrot Verizalez Wakelement. And it would help if his lovely assistant David Ortiz, R.N., wouldn’t call in sick again.  The surgeon can’t perform this massive procedure without Ortiz, R.N., right there handing off the proper tools the surgeon needs.  He needs those tools! And he needs them stat!! “Please don’t amputate!!  I think there’s still some feeling left,” the season is heard saying. “Well,” says doctor Wakelement, “we have to open you up wider and assess the damage before we can close you up. We’ll put you under, but hopefully, if all goes well, you will wake up feeling like a new month.”

Signed,

A. Fan

Welcome back to Cooking On Sports On Computer. Today, we’ll be making a Lame Ass Space Publicity Stunt.

Lame Ass Space Publicity Stunt
Ingredients:
• 1 Cosmonaut
• 1 Driver
• 1 Golf Ball
• 5 Billion Viewers
• 1 expansive Vaccuum
• <.00001g Gravity

Directions
Combine vaccuum with microgravity, and place Cosmonaut in center. Give Cosmonaut driver and golf ball, then politely ask the 5 Billion viewers not to watch. Have Cosmonaut hit golf ball with driver while 5 Billion viewers tune into Elimidate. Driven golf ball should re-enter Earth’s atmosphere in three days, by which time the forty or so viewers who didn’t pay attention when you told them not to watch should have forgotten about it, and began watching the new season of Grey’s Anatomy.

Options
You have the option of not wasting a scientist’s incredibly expensive time aboard the International Space Station, and have him do some science instead of being an ingredient in your Lame Ass Space Publicity Stunt, but value of said science should be weighed against value of Lame Ass Publicity Stunt, in which case, science always loses.

Serves: 40 people

You can tell it is August in Seattle because the sports scene sucks. As the mariners imploded a little later than everyone expected this year we still have two more weeks of hoping Hasselbeck and Alexander don’t get injured before the regular season starts. Oh and then there is that whole Sonics getting sold thing…whatever.  But we must not forget Seattle’s other professional sports team: “The Storm.”  The old joke of course is: “Would you rather find $5 on the ground or have your city win a WNBA championship?” Well I decided screw that! With nothing else happening locally to satisfy my sports needs I would not only watch every Storm game of the post-season but keep a running diary as well. 

• 8/18/06 - 11:12pm: “Shit…I forgot to watch tonight’s game. Hey we won!” 
• 8/20/06 - 2:00pm: “All right! STORM! Whoo!” 
• 8/20/06 – 2:04pm: “Jesus Christ what else is on? OHHHHH the 2006 Sugar Sculpture Daredevil Challenge on Food Network! The theme is ‘Tall Tales’ that should be interesting!”
• 8/20/06 – 2:30pm: “Better check back on the game. Awesome we are winning!”
• 8/20/06 – 2:31pm: “Flavor of Love 2! Some girl shit on the rug…don’t see that in the WNBA!”
• 8/20/06 – 4pmish: “Annnnnd we are losing. Lauren Jackson is kind of hot…right? Maybe?”
• 8/22/06 – 11pm: “Oh fuck…forgot about game 3. Well there was that.”
• 8/24/06 – 1144am: “FIVE DOLLARS!” 

With the Yankees and Red Sox battling it out for the AL East title, it’s been tough for the rest of us here at Sports on Computer. How are us Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Seattle fans supposed to take part in the excitement of a pennant chase when, as I just said, we are Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Seattle fans? Well, I don’t know what to do for Shane (SoC’s lone Indians/Browns/Cavs fan), but I think I know how to start a fight with Cory…

1. The football crossed the goal line.
2. The holding call was legit.
3. If Hasselbeck knew how to manage the clock, you would have won.

By the way, welcome to the team, Cory. Sports on Computer!

Yup. Every time Chicago wins the NBA title.

*rimshot*

*gunshot*

*death*

So my new apartment is on Waveland Avenue, and I live two blocks from Wrigley Field.

My new job is on Clark and Addison, adjacent to Wrigley Field, which means I walk by Wrigley every day on my way to work. I usually walk down Sheffield, which means I pass by the knothole:

I just think that’s cool. That’s all. And I guaruntee I catch at least one batting practice ball over the next two seasons. (Mapquest of my neighborhood)

This is the man who just threw 5.2 innings, 3 ER against the Seattle Mariners in his major league debut:

Woof.  But hey, beauty don’t strike out no Snellings.