THE CONVERSATION THAT EVERY MAN IN SEATTLE IS HAVING RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK! A Play in One-Act by Cory Nealy

Man #1: So they say it might only be 2-4 weeks.

Man #2: That isn’t so bad…looking at the schedule I think we could actually even still go 3-1 while he is out.

Man #1: Yeah, I mean Oakland and San Francisco we should still be able to beat…and maybe even KC…right?

Man #2: Oh yeah, definitely! That St. Louis game could be brutal…but you know… (There is a pause.)

Man #1: What? Man #2: Seneca isn’t that bad.

Man #1: No…I mean the interception and the fumble happened…but he could move the ball down the field.

Man #2: And hey Shaun has to come back eventually!

Man #1: YES! And with him back that means maybe the offensive line will try a little harder!

Man #2: Damn straight! And hey don’t forget…

Man #1: What?

Man #2: We play in the NFC West! (They high five and laugh with glee.)

Man #1: Yeah…we should be fine. (A long pause happens and then both men start sobbingly uncontrollably.)

Man #2: Hold me…

Man #1: It’s all gonna be ok! I swear! OH GOD WHY?!?!

(The lights fade as both men cry in each other’s arms.)

Shame on you Shawn Merrimen, and double shame on you Kenny Rogers.

Actually, the only way I’ll really care about this is if San Diego has to retroactively forfeit their victory over the Steelers, which won’t happen, so meh. And try as I might to get engrossed by the World Series, I’d still rather be watching House. All in all, the Merrimen story ranks a scant 2 on the ol’ Scandal-O-Meter®*, while Kenny’s PineTarGate pulls a four.

* The Scandal-O-Meter® is a statistically significant standard introduced to the mainstream media in 2001 to rate scandals quantitatively. It uses math, so you wouldn’t understand it, but trust us, it’s all kinds of scientific. It goes from one to Felicity Huffman, with one being the most minor scandal imaginable and Felicity Huffman being the biggest.

OMG! ROTFLOL! Look who’s tied for the lead! Baz has made a big move over the past few weeks and has tied Cory atop the leaderboard. Can Baz keep his hot streak alive? Can Cory recover from his current slump? Can Geoff pick 11 games a week to make up for time lost? Who knows? God?

The Games
New England (-5) at Buffalo
Pittsburgh (-2.5) at Atlanta
Minnesota (+6.5) at Seattle
NY Giants (+3) at Dallas
Jacksonville (-9.5) at Houston

Cory: Season Record: 12-8

Why? I can’t really think of a reason why except New England is favored and as my lead slipped away to nothing last week I desperately need a win or else Baz will overtake me and I can’t have that.

Why? Because Atlanta pissed me off last week that’s why. Call me when you’re sober Atlanta.

It’s in Seattle so that makes me feel good. That 6.5 spread doesn’t make me feel so good though. I have a feeling this will be another Josh Brown saves our ass at the end special…which is fine except for the whole pick off thing and Baz beating me…again but still I can’t pick against them…I just can’t.

Big games = Eli sucking.

Jaguars! POUNCE!

Geoff: Season Record: 2-2

To make sure I actually do this, I’ll make my picks now without any funny. Then hopefully I’ll have time for some funny!

Atlanta on the downswing, Pittsburgh on the Up.

Cuz I should pick an underdog

Cuz it was clearly bad luck to pick my own team

Cuz the Texans are that bad

Baz: Season Record: 12-8

All apologies to Jack Kukoda, who I’ve apparently met once, but if the Bills can get slapped by the Denny Green-enraging Chicago Bears, they can lose to New England by more than five.

Sorry. Can’t bet Atlanta this week. But since the other guys are going Pittsburgh, too, I’ve basically got a free pass to be loyal. Steelers win!

Minnesota has produced one thing worth betting on in the past thirty years, and that is Becky Poole.

T.O. vs. Giants Secondary seems like a mismatch until you consider that a quarterback has to throw those passes to T.O. and that Dallas’ quarterback is Drew Bledsoe. Also, T.O. is really, really sad this week, and I think he’ll commit suicide sometime tonight. For real this time.

Every year, one terrible team puts together on nearly complete game while their superior opponents look past them, almost costing them the game. I’m willing to wager my newfound tie-dome with Cory that this is that game. 9.5 points? What does that mean, exactly? If the Texans lose by nine I win? But if they lose by 10 I don’t? How does the half-point come into play? Well, I don’t think it matters. Jax wins by three. Also, I’ve been dying to use this Houston Oilers graphic. Seems as good a time as any.

My boxing career started last weekend. In a tough bout I fell in the first round to a vicious left hook from the freezer door as I was putting away groceries in our refridgerator and got up too fast. I remember a sharp pain and my legs buckling and nothing else, but my cornerman (er…woman) Lorri said I was out for a good fifteen seconds. Thankfully my cutman (er…woman) Lorri was able to stop the swelling with a handy bag of frozen peas.

And thus ends my pugilistic career.

This is why October is the greatest month:  all four major sports are going on at once.

Sure the NBA is preseason and sure baseball has a game every other day and sure hockey sucks.  But that’s pretty cool, don’t ya think?

No?  You don’t?  Oh well.  Tough for you.

I don’t care if it’s his manager saying it for him.  And I never thought I’d have to say this about Pujols, but here goes:

Shut up and play.

• The Tampa Bay quarterback who led the Bucs to a thrilling 14-13 victory over the Bengals on Sunday was Bruce Gradkowski, not Brad as originally reported.

• The phrase “thank you, thank you, thank you brad gradkowski” should have read “Thank you, thank you, thank you Mike Carey!” for his inexcusable roughing the passer call that gave the Bucs a late first down they clearly didn’t deserve and contributed directly to their win.

• A more general correction than the others, I’d like to retract all statements that made it seem like I respect or fear the Bengals. They are not deserving of fear or respect. They are, and remain, the Bengals.

• In my Penguins On Way To Ontario Via Portable Information Superhighway, I mentioned that I was the only SoC’er who liked hockey. That sentence should have read “I’m the only person who likes hockey”.

• Less a correction than premature gloating, I called in my Week One Review On Computer post that Steve McNair would get hurt, Kyle Boller would go in, and the Ravens would end up 8-8.

• Turns out people do care about baseball in the autumn. It’s just such a foreign notion to a Pirates fan that it took on a mythical quality, and I was more inclined to believe in Poseidon (the god of the sea, not the movie) than think I’d be interested in baseball in October. Enter Jim Leyland’s Detroit Tigers. How about that AL central?

The race for the top spot is tightening, with Cory holding a two game lead over Baz. Geoff is taking this week off to mourn the Tiger’s ascension to baseball greatness. To the board!

The Games
Seattle (-3) at St. Louis
NY Giants (+3) at Atlanta
Cincinnati (-4.5) at Tampa Bay
Kansas City (+6.5) at Pittsburgh

Cory: Season Record (11-5)
Seattle over St. Louis: Fun Fact! Scott Linehan (The man who has coached the Rams to a 4-1 record in his first season) is from my home town of Sunnyside Washington. He once coached the Sunnyside High School Grizzlies. I remember that era as being some truly mediocre Grizzly football. Therefore I just can’t buy the Rams winning this week.

Atlanta over NY Giants: Eli? Vick? Eli? Vick? (coin toss)…Vick!

Pittsburgh over Kansas City: But lets all imagine for a moment that the defending Super Bowl champions go to 1-4. Heh.

Cincinnati over Tampa Bay: Why? Because I just spent 20 minutes trying to figure out if any great sitcoms were set in Tampa Bay. I can’t think of any (where was Golden Girls set? Miami…right?) So Cincy gets the nod by virtue of four little letters: W-K-R-P.

Baz: Season Record: (9-7)
AS I’ve mentioned before, I played little league with Marc Bulger. He played for the Astros, I played for the Cards. He beaned me once. His nickname was Mookie. His brother Pat played on my team. As far as I can tell, his nickname was Pat. How can you pick against that?

Eli? Vick? Eli? Vick? (coin toss)…Eli!

If they lose today, I’ll officially turn my focus to the Pitt Men’s Baskeball team, which could start play ranked as high as #4.

I don’t want to seem greedy, or needy, but if the Bengals could lose the rest of their games this season, that’d be great. Not today, though. They can win today.

SI has had some interesting galleries over the years, but this one may cross the line.

Whom to root for the rest of the way?

The Tigers?  If they won the World Series, I could potentially argue that the Yankees were the second best team in baseball.  Which, ya know.  Means something.

The Mets?  They are from New York.  I’m from New York.  Sure I hate them, but…no, that’s it, I hate them.

The Cardinals?  They’re still playing?  Why bother rooting for them if they’re just gonna get the hell beaten out of them by the Mets?

So the A’s then.  I do like Moneyball, and Barry Zito.  Barry Zito.  Drooooool.

Two in a row for The Big Hurt!